A stranger in the city
by Guylene
Summary: This is a character study about Helenus and why he wanted to betray his city. BEWARE: there are mentions of abuse (WITHOUT descriptions of them), self-harm and suicidal thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

**A stranger in Troy**

**Author's note: hi everyone!**

**Rather than a story about the Trojan war, this fiction is a character study. The story is about Helenus, who, according to the myth, had betrayed his city telling the Achaeans that they had to take the Palladium in order to win Troy. **

**You'll probably find **_**my**_** Helenus out of character (first of all he's Artemis' priest and not a warrior here) and a very unpleasant person too, but that's how I imagine him.**

**THIS FICTION CONTAINS mention of abuse, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. However there are NO descriptions of abuse.**

**As usual, reviews are welcome (even bad ones, but be gentle :D )**

I don't know if anyone of you, who sit by me in this megaron, understands what it means to feel complete alienation.

I was born a prince of Troy, together with my twin sister Cassandra. I was grown in a palace where I had food, a bed, clean tunics and a fireplace, which was far more than most of the Trojan children had at the time. I was educated by an old consellor of my father's, a privilege that only aristocracy could afford. I lacked absolutely nothing, nevertheless I couldn't help but feeling alienated, different, lonely, something I had always been ashamed of.

The sons of the peasants went to work in the fields by the age I was in schools, the sons of the merchants travelled by sea with their fathers, sleeping on the ship's bridge while I slept in a soft bed and yet I dared to _complain_ and, even worse, I dared to _envy_ them!

You will grow to dislike me very soon, if you don't already. So I wish to make clear from the beginning that I am distrustful, bitter, lonesome, a definite grim-reaper and one of the most unpleasant persons you'll have the chance to meet. I know that and I'm not telling you this in the hope that you will feel sorry for me; I hate it when someone feels sorry for me.

I will tell you about many bad things that happened to me and about many bad people I met in my life but don't think that I blame them in any way; it is my fault and only my fault if I am like this. Some people are even more unlucky than I but they manage to be lovely, thus it's my fault if I don't manage.

I will also tell you something I did, or better still something I nearly did when I was young, something horrible and shameful. And I will tell you about the horrible and shameful things that I thought and still think. But then again, don't think I'm searching for pity or for excuses: I take full responsibility and full guilt, now and forever.

OOO

I was a shy child, a ridiculously shy child. I was too scared to play or to hang out with my older brothers, too clumsy to engage in sports. I only liked running and swimming because at least I was alone and I didn't have to feel ashamed about my sorry figures. My mother often looked at me with disapproval, saying that it wasn't good for a boy to be so scared.

"Your sister Cassandra is so assertive, she behaves like a boy and that's inappropriate for a young girl. And you on the contrary are more shy than your sisters". My mother tried to force me to be more extroverted but that led me to be more shy than ever and then she would get angry and look at me with contempt. Cassandra, on the contrary, was everything I wanted to be: talkative, intelligent, courageous, and most of all, confident.

"We are lucky that this boy is meant to become a priest, my wife" Priam told my mother one day, not minding my presence at all "he wouldn't have made that much of a soldier or that much of a royal prince either". Don't look at me like that, I don't think my father has been cruel by saying so in my presence: he was simply right. I would've been an awful soldier and an even worse king. There was no reason to keep it a secret. And I definitely don't deserve your looks of pity.

Even if I was meant to become a priest, Priam sent me to Ares' temple to learn about military all the same. A royal prince couldn't avoid military training, it was unconceivable.

Zeritos, the priest of Ares who tutored me, was not only harsh but definitely brutal. He hated to see shyness and indecision and he punished us when we showed them, and of course he punished us when we made _errors_. I was shy, insecure and thus I was his favourite target. I still remember with a shiver his cane, his slaps, his kicks and his screams of rage, mixed with the laughter of the other boys at my stupid errors. I can see that you are pitying me again, and again I tell you not to: I know he was right. He had to form soldiers, strong, brave and capable soldiers like the ones who later fought in the Trojan war. It was not his fault that I was completely unable to fit into that role.

At first I tried my best. I tried to throw the spear but even if my arms were strong my aim was terrible and I always missed the target. I tried to fight with other boys but my reflexes were ridiculously slow and my technique was far from perfect, so most of the times they beat me up. Since I was the king's son, someone tried to let me win or at least to let me loose with dignity, which made me angry and ashamed more than anything else.

Some of the other pupils laughed at me, although discreetly, but some of them tried to be friendly with me. I was so convinced that they just felt sorry for me that I rejected them with arrogance, looking even more unpleasant that I already was. Many years later I realized that maybe some of that boys actually wanted to be friends with me. And again, don't think that I was never loved: someone _tried_ to love me, it was _I_ who didn't let them.

Of course Zeritos didn't love me; on the contrary he actually hated me but it's not his fault if he did. "You are a prince, your father is the king. Yet even the younger of your sisters would be braver than you. You should be ashamed of yourself, you are dishonoring your father with your behaviour!" he spat with contempt. Of course he was right, my father would be ashamed of me, my father _was_ ashamed of me. Once he told me "you decided to become a priest because you would suck as a soldier", and even if that was incorrect (I had been destined to become a priest), there was no point in denying that I would've become a priest anyway, destiny or not, to avoid being a soldier and a prince.

When I made him very, really angry, he took me by the wrist, hurting me so much that every time I feared he would've broken it. He brought me inside the temple, where nobody could see us and he hurt me.

"I wouldn't do this if you didn't force me to punish you" he told me in the end "you do deserve it". And, even if I knew that, I couldn't force myself to ask his forgiveness or to speak, for that matter. I simply submitted. And I really don't want to ask myself if that was his fault of mine. It didn't matter, anyway, since thinking about it didn't stop him from hurting me.

Short after beginning my training with Zeritos, I started going to school together with Cassandra. Our teacher was Aesacus, Hermes' priest and one of my father's older counselors. He was so old that he could've been my grandfather and in fact he had saved Priam's life after an earthquake when my father was a child. Aesacus was short and very thin, with grey hair and a pair of piercing blue eyes which seemed able to see everything.

The first day I went to school I was terrified. I feared Aesacus would've been harsh like Zeritos was, that I would've made him angry with my dumbness, especially when compared with Cassandra's intelligence and confidence. To appear shy in front of other boys was one thing, to appear shy in front of a girl was another thing entirely, and I thought I was going to face the worst humiliation of my life.

Aesacus welcomed us very warmly in the temple's kitchen, a place that would've become my one and very harbor. He slowly carved symbols in the clay while we observed, fascinated by something we had never withstood before, then he started teaching us to read them. Later in the morning, he wrote some symbols on another piece of clay and said to Cassandra "Look at it for a while, when you feel ready you can start reading"; of course, she started reading immediately and without hesitation. As Aesacus rewarded her with a smile for her good work, I couldn't help from feeling a sharp pain in my stomach. With a swift movement, Aesacus blanked out the symbols from the clay and wrote something else for me. He repeated to me "look at it until you feel ready and then start reading".

I looked at the symbols. I could understand them and until the previous second I would've been able to read them but now something silenced me. I knew I was taking more time than Cassandra and I feared that Aesacus would've become angry with me even if he had been so gentle so far, and this thought further terrified me.

"I've never eaten a pupil, you know" Aesacus scolded me gently "you are entitled to make errors here, you are here to learn after all". I had thought he would've insulted me or slapped me, instead he was perfectly calm and smiling. Without even thinking I started reading, noticing as I went on that I was doing it _right_.

"Very well, young one!" he told me eventually with another smile "And remember, as long as you are willing to learn from your mistakes you can make errors, here or elsewhere". He wasn't furious at my shyness and he had actually complimented me, and that new experience affected me so much that, from that moment on, I tried my best to please him. In my room, I would write and write symbols on the clay until they were nothing but perfect, I would repeat the Cretan and Hittite words he taught us like a chant, wherever I was, until they were literally carved in my mind, and all of that to have him praise me; yet I couldn't bring myself to answer to his questions until he asked me directly. Cassandra, on the contrary, was always confident even if she probably studied less than I did.

I hated Cassandra, and that was just another side of my being a failure. I hated her because I was envious, I hated her because she was everything I wanted to be and most of all I hated her because she _didn't hate me_; she tried her best to chat with me while we went to school but I opposed bluntness, she smiled to me but I was so taken by my envy that I rejected her, like I did with everyone else. She even tried to understand why I was so _nasty_ with her, like she used to say, but finally she got tired of me, so that after finishing our training with Aesacus we almost stopped talking with each other. And again, I couldn't blame her.

On the contrary, I couldn't bring myself to hate Hector and he has always been my favourite brother. He was older than me and so I couldn't feel the comparison with me both in Ares' temple and in Hermes' one. He was kind with me but he never tried to become close or intimate, so that I didn't need to reject him. His death affected me more than I could never tell, but I will tell about this later.

Getting back to Aesacus, I was trying my best to please him. I was convinced that he was gentle with me just because I was a good student and every time I made an error I was so scared that I almost burst into tears. He tried his best to explain to me that I didn't need to be perfect, that I was entitled to make errors, that he cared for me anyway, and he did it again and again and again, without losing his patience and without raising his voice or his hands. But I didn't understand, or more precisely I understood only many years later. Eventually I came to trust his affection for me, even if not completely, and I was able to relax at least there, at least with him.

One day, I thought "Should he despise me, should he be ashamed of me, I would spit on my very face" and I later stood by that sentence, even if it was difficult.

When Cassandra and I were twelve, at the end of his last lesson, he told us: "My dear ones, from now on I'm not your teacher anymore. But even if I'm not your teacher I still care a lot for you and I always will. I don't have children of my own and I love you as if you were my children. Remember that you can come to me if you need to; should you need me, don't feel ashamed and come here".

I thought back on that sentence many times during the following years.

OOO

After finishing my education with Aesacus, I entered Artemis' temple. I wasn't sure I had been called by the goddess and I supposed no one else was sure either; I simply thought that, since my sister had been called by Apollo and Artemis was Apollo's twin sister while I was Cassandra's twin brother, it was obvious that I would've had to serve the goddess. Anyway, my parents had always been convinced that I had to do so and I submitted easily, since that suited me more than anything else. The absolute chastity requested by the goddess never bothered me; physical relationship as much as romantic ones scared me to death. Living in the temple and giving up wealth, dresses and so on wasn't a problem either: I had always been austere in my habits and I didn't like living in the royal palace either.

In Artemis' temple I met Grymas, Artemis' high priest. He was middle-aged, short and very gruff. When I entered the temple I thought he was just cruel and hateful but as usual I couldn't blame him for being like that.

Grymas, like Zeritos, didn't like shyness. He mocked me saying that a shy priest is ridiculous, that I wasn't able to speak in public, that I looked "scared like a rabbit" and no one could take me seriously. And again, he was right; people want a priest to be confident like someone who is chosen by the gods. I didn't answer to him when he spoke like that –of course, I thought he was right- and he got even more angry: "If you agree with me, then change! Get better! Stop blushing like a stupid girl! Stop lowering your head like a child! And if you don't agree, find your guts, wherever they are, and _tell_ me! Now speak, do you agree or not?"

"I agree with you… but I can't be different" I answered very quietly when he pressured me like that.

"That's because you don't try, that's because you are a weakling! Should you not be the king's son, you probably wouldn't be here!". And that was, as always, the most hurtful thing. I wasn't there because I deserved it but because I was the king's son and people were too respectful or too sorry to shove me away. I tried my best to be a good priest, to carry out my duties and I couldn't say that I did something wrong; I performed the rituals, I prayed, I cleaned up the temple but I couldn't help being _me_. And that was the wrong thing.

I thought I would've found my place in Artemis' temple but now I understood that wasn't my place either. Wherever I went, I was wrong. And again, don't look at me like that: it was not because my father was bad or Zeritos was bad or Grymas was bad, but just because _I_ was unfit and still are, no matter what I do. I simply don't have the skills to live in this world and I managed to do something just because of my social position.

In Artemis' temple, my life got worse with every new day. I couldn't eat because my stomach didn't seem able to keep the food, I couldn't sleep because I was awaked by distressing nightmares, but I had to go on with my duties. I woke up in the morning asking myself why I was opening my eyes, I went to bed thinking that I would've liked to sleep forever, never waking up again. And sometimes, without a reason, I felt I was going to die or at least to lose my mind; my heart started beating furiously, I couldn't breathe properly, I felt that my legs didn't sustain me anymore. Again and again. I don't want to obtain your pity with that, I've never wanted and will never want pity.

While I was in this state, Patroclos went to visit the city. The war hadn't started, Helen wasn't even married to Menelaus at the time. Patroclos visited Troy's most important temples and of course he went to Artemis temple too, one day, a little time after the sunrise.

He entered prudently, almost shyly and I had to deal with him by myself because Grymas spoke a very poor Achaean. Patroclos spoke to me in a sweet voice, complimenting me for my pronunciation and my good knowledge of his language. I was very pleased, both because Patroclos didn't mind my shyness (he was probably a shy person himself) and because Grymas understood perfectly well that the prince was complimenting me, and looked quite annoyed by it.

I know it was childish to feel proud for that but I couldn't help myself. Grymas later made me pay for it: "don't feel so self-satisfied just because some prince tells you that you're a good boy, even you can't screw it up all the time".

Later, in my room, I thought about Patroclos who had been so kind with me, and about Grymas who was so unpleasant with me. I knew it was my fault but for a moment I realized I would've preferred to be in Patroclos' city than in my one. It's stupid, I know. Despising my city just because I had no place there and dreaming about a city where I would've had no place all the same because _I_ would've been the same.

After a couple of years, Helen arrived. I can say that I wasn't at all attracted by her like my brothers undoubtedly were. She was a kind person and I highly doubt she was stupid and selfish like my sisters used to say, but physical desire wasn't really a part of me. Just before Helen's arrival, Cassandra had been affected by a terrible epilepsy crisis that had changed her: she was lonesome, distracted, worried and people began to murmur she was crazy. In all honesty, I _couldn't_ feel sorry for her, on the contrary the fact that she was now isolated like me felt like a sweet revenge for me. Of, course, that was horrible, she had done absolutely nothing wrong to me and yet her disgrace made me almost happy. I felt hate and contempt for myself, I tried to bring myself to feel sorry for her but it didn't work. I avoided her fearing that otherwise she would've perceived my satisfaction and I couldn't let that happen. And I avoided Aesacus, because I knew he would've despised me more than I despised myself and I couldn't bear that.

When someone told me the Achaeans had arrived, my heart missed a beat. Of course, it was just a matter of time before they went to claim Helen back. From the first moment I had known that my family wouldn't have given up, thus the war predictable. And even its epilogue was predictable, unless someone really believed that we could defeat them with such a small army, even with our allies. One didn't actually need to have Apollo's gift of prophecy to understand that and I still ask myself why the Trojans were so sure that we would've prevailed.

That morning I went on the city walls and, looking at the Achaean ships, I _knew _we would've faced a war and a defeat sooner or later. I was surprised at how this thought left me completely indifferent, as if I was thinking about some foreign city I didn't even know. But in my heart –if I even have one- there was another feeling I was not able to understand at the moment.

That night, lying in my bed, I finally realized what it was.

I was _happy_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: hi everyone!**

**Here it is the second chapter. As I wrote previously, this contains mention of self-harm, suicidal thoughts and abuse (but the abuse is not pictured here).**

**I think the song "Hurt" by Johnny Cash suits Helenus very well. Obviously I don't own the song.**

I already look horrible enough, don't I? I was happy about my sister's madness, I was happy about the Achaeans' arrival even knowing, like I knew, that they would've defeated us, destroyed us and very likely killed many of us. Believe me or not, I knew it was horrible, I felt ashamed but I couldn't be different, even if I wanted to.

And yet, this is definitely not the worst thing I did.

I didn't just want to see my city fall, I wanted to _make_ my city fall. I dreamt of going to the Achaeans, tell them all the secrets I knew about the city, the walls, the secret passages, the royal palace, the hiding places. I dreamt of looking at my destroyed city and say "_I_ did that!". When I was on the walls, every time one of them turned his eyes to me, I thought: "Why don't I go to them? Why do I stay here, where I am a nobody, where no one loves me?". Oddly, I both felt like a victim and felt that it was my fault but I hated my city all the same, no matter what.

Every time I resisted the urge to side with the Achaeans; I like to think it was for love but it was probably just cowardice. I wasn't able to be good but I hadn't the guts to be really vicious either and even in my viciousness I was a failure. Even when I dreamt about making my city fall, I knew I wouldn't have done it, I knew I wouldn't have dared to be really that vicious. And not because I had a _heart_ but because I didn't have the _guts_!

I know I'm getting boring but I want to make it clear because you will think: "you've dreamt all of this but you didn't harm your city in the end, thus you loved it after all". _No_! Don't think that! Don't try to unburden me!

The Achaeans never tried to approach me. They probably didn't know or care about my existence and they probably didn't think a royal prince would've been able to betray his city. I honestly don't know whether I would've resisted to them. I didn't care about prizes, money, honors and so on, it was just for the sake of doing it.

Sometimes Hector invited me to the palace, especially after his son Astyanax was born. I never accepted his invitations though, always saying that I had a lot of work in the temple.

"Dear brother, you can't possibly be that busy all the time!" he smiled openly.

"Well, Grymas starts getting old, I've a lot of work during the day and I'm too tired in the evening" I explained.

I didn't like company and especially my family's company. But most of all I felt _guilty, _talking to Hector and sitting by him while I wanted to destroy our city, Hector's future _kingdom_. I knew we would've lost the war, I supposed he would've been killed or enslaved, and when he smiled at me with trustful eyes I wanted to disappear. I refused his invitations but I didn't dare to reject him, even if I wanted to.

One day Hector visited me in the temple and told me some confidential news about the war. He opened up without even thinking that I could've betrayed his trust, displaying his doubts an his fears. The situation pained him so much that I felt ashamed to be so indifferent. When he left, I sat for a long time by the fireplace, wondering what to do; the Achaeans would've _loved_ to know what Hector had told me. As I thought about this, Hector's sad expression burst into my head and without even thinking I put my hand in the fire, hurting myself badly. That gesture gave me an unexpected relief and from that day on I repeated it when I was too disgusted by myself. Oh, don't look at me like that: I deserved it.

Cassandra went on with her isolation as well, not going to banquets and ceremonies. I never visited her and she never visited me, even if sometimes I saw her on the walls. She spent time with Helen, though, and I wondered how a virgin priestess and an adulterer could get along like that. I didn't know if my sister was really crazy like some people pretended or if she had just been touched by Apollo, as I was more inclined to believe, but we wouldn't have had much to say to each other in any case.

Sometimes I met Aesacus in the city. I was very respectful with him and I tried my best to be gentle too: I couldn't forget about how he had been kind with me and I didn't want to upset him with my behavior. Being a perceptive man, he noticed very soon that something was wrong with me, even more than before. He even visited me in the temple, trying to get something from me, but I pretended I was fine.

I wanted to talk to him, to say that I was revolting and that I couldn't be anything but revolting. But what would he have thought about me? I would've disgusted him, I would've disappointed him. I dismissed him more curteously than I could and then started avoiding him. When I saw him in the market square, on the walls, during religious ceremonies, I tried my best not to meet him and especially not to stay alone with him.

One morning I was on the walls, looking at the Achaeans and wishing to be with them, to tell them what I knew. I imagined to look at my town from the outside, laughing about the Trojans who felt safe in their houses and knowing that they weren't safe at all. "You'll see, you'll see whether I am a failure or not, then" I mused. Then my attention was caught by Hector and Deiphobus, my brothers who fought bravely in the battlefield, just in front of me, and I shivered with disgust.

Looking down at the battlefield, I noticed that the walls were very high, really very high. I even stuck out to look down and then I immediately left, perturbed.

OOO

I wanted to sleep and never wake up. And everytime I thought about this, going to bed, I remembered about how high the walls were. I liked to think that I would've thrown myself off the walls but I knew I wouldn't have. And again, that was not because I loved life but out of passiveness. Yet I thought about it very often.

I looked sick and wasted away and that was more and more difficult to conceal. Hector was the first to openly inquire about that and I answered that I had trouble sleeping because I was worried for the city, a daring and disgusting lie. I felt even more horrible when he tried to comfort me, telling me that the situation was difficult but that he hadn't lost his hope.

Grymas didn't ask me anything and he probably didn't care; I couldn't blame him since I didn't care about his worsening health either. "You are happy when I cough, you wish to see me die to take my place!" he yelled to me after a fit of cough. That hurt me because it was totally false since I was not ambitious at all.

"It's completely indifferent to me" I hissed.

"Everything is completely indifferent to you!" he yelled back, leaving me alone in the temple. And that was painfully right.

I pondered for months: I wanted either to side with the Achaeans or to put an end to my ridiculous life. But, as much as I desired both things, I couldn't bring myself to do only one of them. One day I met Aesacus at Demeter's feast; I was so distracted that for a long time I didn't even notice him, standing at a short distance from me and looking at me intently. When I met his eyes, I knew he had perceived my turmoil and I stupidly turned my back to him, without speaking to him and without even waving.

I kept avoiding him all day and I didn't leave just because he would've noticed. I knew he wouldn't have let me be, though, and I wasn't surprised when, at the end of the feast, he walked straight towards me, calling me by my name. Now I _couldn't_ avoid him.

"Helenus!" he smiled openly "at least I see you, why don't you _ever_ visit?"

"I have work to do…"

"Well, today you sure don't! Come to Hermes' temple with me"

"Now? But it's late, and…" I tried.

"Actually I wish to speak to you about an important matter" he said seriously. And then I knew that I couldn't avoid following him, he would've chased me until I would've _had_ to talk to him. I didn't want to tell him anything, though, at any cost.

I followed him obediently and let him guide me to the temple's kitchen, next to the fireplace.

"Is there something you wish to tell me?" he asked abruptly once we had taken a seat.

My heart missed a beat and I felt I was starting to blush.

"What are you saying?" I asked quietly. I couldn't tell him.

"I'm saying there's something very wrong with you" he answered confidently.

"I'm fine, thank you. I'm just tired because…"

"Stop that. Do you really think you can fool me?"

If I had continued that conversation, he would've made me spit it out, I knew it. But I couldn't simply run away because the walls were at my left and behind me, the fireplace was in front of me and Aesacus was at my right.

"No, but I'm fine" I tried desperately to keep my voice quiet.

"Helenus, you screw at lying so please don't lie to me" he said, unimpressed.

"What do you want?" I burst out. I knew that was rude and I felt bad but the alternative was to tell him the truth, and I couldn't.

"I'm worried for you" I didn't expect that and I stayed silent while he went on.

"And I'm scared because I've noticed there's something wrong" he concluded.

I was going to loose it.

"Do me a _favour_! Should I throw myself off the walls, no one would _notice_!" I snorted, realizing that I had said far more than I wanted to.

"I would've noticed, Helenus" he said very quietly and very gently.

I wanted to cry. And I didn't want him to hate me, to despise me. I had to stop that conversation _now_.

"Don't poke fun at me!" I hissed harshly, immediately regretting it.

Aesacus looked at me for a long moment.

"If you're trying to make me angry so that I'll kick you out, you're wasting your time" he wasn't angry or even annoyed.

"I care for you and I would like to know what the problem is".

"You…you…" I wanted to say something hurtful, I wanted him to kick me out, it was always better than telling the truth.

"You always liked my sister better, and don't even try to deny it!" I yelled eventually. That was so childish and ridiculous that he would've let me go.

"No, Helenus. It is not I who thinks Cassandra is better than you, it's _you_ who thinks that" he answered, completely ignoring my insults.

"Do you really think I favoured her?" he asked then.

"No, she was just…" I couldn't find the words.

"She was just more confident than you, Helenus, but that doesn't mean I _liked her better. _Shyness is not a crime, you know" he concluded.

"I care for you, my dear. Do you believe that?" he questioned.

"Yes"

"Then believe me when I say I want to help you" he cooed.

"You can't help" I answered immediately, and that was true. He had tried his best when I was his pupil but he couldn't help me to become a _different_ person.

He took my hand and I was too busy to ask myself when was the last time someone had touched me to react.

"Let me try, please" he whispered.

"Fine!" I spat, letting go of his hand "Fine! Listen! I'm a nobody compared to my brothers, I'm a nobody compared to my sisters, I'm a failure and there's no place for me in this city. That's it. Can you help me now?" I asked mockingly.

"My dear, there's no need to sting me. I know you don't really mean it, so it's useless" he explained, unperturbed.

"And I don't think you are a nobody or a failure. You were a brilliant pupil, now you are a good priest. You don't deserve to call yourself a failure" he went on, taking my hand again.

"If you just knew…" I whispered without even noticing.

"If I knew what?"

I stayed silent.

"Oh, my, Helenus!" he exclaimed worriedly "Do you really think I would reject you?".

"I know you would, I _know_ it.".

"My dear, you are like a son to me! How could I reject you?" he was anguished now.

"Forgive me! I'm disgusting, forgive me!" I pleaded, trying not to cry.

"Calm down, darling. You have done nothing wrong"

"But I will!" I said, desperate.

"No, you won't. You won't betray us, Helenus, because you love your city even if you like to pretend that you don't" he reasoned.

"It doesn't matter because I want to! I _want_ to!" I yelled furiously. Only then I noticed that Aesacus had found out my secret even if I hadn't said a word about it.

"Helenus…"

"No! Shut up! Don't try to comfort me, _don't even try_! " I yelled again, turning my back to him "I want to betray us! I don't care that my parents are here, that my brothers and sisters are here, that I was born here, that _you_ are here! I would like to care but I don't! And now go on, kick me out, reject me, despise me!" I was still yelling. Aesacus was silent and I felt that now he would've dismissed me with disgust. Maybe he would've escorted me to my father like a traitor but that would've been far less painful than Aesacus' despise.

"Look at me" he said quietly.

I turned to him slowly. Was he going to slap me, to spit in my face?

He brought his hand to my face and I jumped back in fear. But he simply caressed my cheek.

"Don't yell. Don't run away. Just listen"

He was serious but didn't look angry.

"I know you don't really want to betray us, otherwise you would already have"

"It's because…" I tried.

"Shush, listen. You just want to take revenge on the city because you think you don't belong here. You just want to succeed because you feel like a failure here. You don't want to harm us, Helenus, I know that. Tell me, when you look at Hector do you feel ready to betray us?"

"No" I answered.

"And why is that?"

"Because he's my brother!"

"Really? I don't think you would mind so much about Cassandra" he retorted.

I lowered my eyes.

"I know that her madness makes you happy, Helenus. Now you don't have to envy her"

Aesacus' words were heavy but spoken in a sweet voice. He was trying his best not to hurt me.

"I know all of this, darling, and I haven't rejected you. And I'm not going to, so tell me: why do you mind so much about Hector?"

"I don't know"

"Do you want me to tell you?"

"Since you appear to know everything…" I snorted sarcastically.

"You may stop that. You want to keep me at a distance no matter the cost, I got it".

I blushed furiously, not daring to meet his eyes.

"You mind so much about Hector" Aesacus said "because you love him".

That was _too much_.

"I _don't!_ Don't make me look better than I am!" I yelled.

"Stop pretending to be heartless! You are ashamed of your best side! I know you, young man! You think 'look, I can't feel love so I'm not weak, nobody can hurt me!' but you do feel hurt and you _do_ feel love".

I felt I was going to loose my mind. I couldn't say a word.

"And do you know why you mind about me? Do you know why you kept avoiding me? Because you love me too!" he went on without waiting for my answer "You think you're undeserving, you think you'll loose me!" Aesacus' voice was higher now and he seemed annoyed.

How could he know all of that?

"Now look at me, my dear". His voice was sweet again. I looked at him, trying to keep the pain from my eyes.

"Is that why you mind me so much?" he asked seriously.

"Yes" I said, lowering my eyes again.

"Now will you admit that you _do_ love someone?" he went on.

"Yes" I whispered.

"Would you betray us without flinching, in this moment?"

"No" I said, my voice barely audible.

"Believe me, Helenus. You don't want to harm our city. You just want to be accepted and loved"

"Don't you _dare_ to pity me!" I yelled again, embarassed.

"Helenus, stop thinking that people who comfort you just want to pity you. I feel affection, not pity. But I suppose what you meant to say is that you don't like to be unravelled either".

I closed my eyes.

"Just let me say it once, then, young one. Even if you like to think you're cold and vicious, I know who you _really_ _are_".

I _really _was the shy and insecure child that trembled in front of everyone, even in front of his lovable teacher. Great, wonderful, just the kind of person I wanted to be.

"The person you _really_ _are_ has its flaws like everyone else, but it's better than the person you would like to be at the moment. Do you think you would enjoy being cruel and vicious? Your heart is good, Helenus, and it will stay good and even if you'll end up doing something really wrong your heart will taunt you. Do something wrong, something horrible, and you will always _feel_ horrible: but you behave as if your heart was something to be ashamed of and you deny having one".

Aesacus was perturbing me. I kept repeating that it wasn't my heart to stop me but my stupid cowardice; I didn't dare to voice this sensation to him, though.

"There's no point in punishing yourself, my child" he said softly, and again I couldn't understand how he knew so damn much about me.

"Maybe you should try to become less ashamed of yourself. You've made errors and you will make others like anyone else: come to terms with it. And don't try to reject everyone, because someone could _actually_ love you, you know?".

No, I didn't know. At first, maybe, for a brief, ephimereal moment. But then, when I show what I really am like I'm doing now? Who does _actually_ love me now?

Andromache, don't look at me like that. I accept your compassion only because I'm your only living relative now, I give you the right to care for me. But you really don't _need_ to love me and I know that I'm nothing compared to Hector. You don't need to smile and ask me how I am because, you see, I am like this. There was a moment in my life when I wanted to betray you, your husband and the little baby you have lost. And every time you're gentle with me I remember about that.

"Do you promise that you will at least think about it?" Aesacus asked, still caressing my hand.

"I will" I answered.

I got back to the temple and in the following weeks I thought about it, especially about the "someone could actually love you" part. But, as I have already said, no one who really knows me can love me. And that's why I am telling you all of this now, and that's why so many years ago I went back to Aesacus, to tell him all the things I repeated to you tonight. I wanted to show him, and I want to show you, that love has its limits.

So after some weeks I came back to Hermes' temple and I told Aesacus everything, everything I have said to you and even more. I told what Zeritos and Grymas had done to me, what my parents had said about me and so on, making clear that I did not and I still do not consider myself a victim.

"It's not your fault" he said eventually.

"Yes it was" I replied hastily. With him, it was difficult to be sure about what I felt anymore; he could always unravel me, make me waver, and I found it both comforting and perturbing.

"I rephrase: maybe you should've tried harder to be a better soldier. Maybe you should have tried harder to win some of your insecurities. You didn't and _that_ was your fault, fine. But they were not entitled to call you a nobody or to hit you with a cane. And most of all" Aesacus stopped talking and took my hand "it's not your fault if Zeritos touched you like that. It's not your fault, Helenus."

"I deserved all of it. They were trying to get something good from me. Don't try to justify me." I replied. My voice was quivering now.

"Helenus, I've never insulted you or hit you, have I? Yet you learned to read, write and translate, and well too. Of course people who educate you must correct you, but that doesn't mean they have to break you" he reasoned.

"Maybe I was simply more versed for reading and writing and you didn't need to get angry"

"My dear, in any case I would've never hurt you like that. You made errors but that doesn't mean that Zeritos and Grymas were fair with you".

That was plain and logical but I couldn't believe him, even if I wanted to. One can't be so brutal for no reason whatsoever: of course they were brutal because I had done something to provoke them.

"Some people are cruel, Helenus, and when they find someone sensitive and frightened they pour their cruelty on him" he added.

"So they mistreated me because I was _weak_! That's what I've tried to say so far!" I yelled.

"You weren't _weak_, you were _a child_" Aesacus answered patiently, not minding at all my high voice.

I said nothing.

"You want to be heartless so people won't hurt you like that anymore" he whispered.

I wiped my tears quickly. Aesacus had probably noticed them but he said nothing.

"Don't make me look like a _victim_! I don't _want_ to be one!" I whispered. I wanted to yell but my voice would've broken.

"I understand. You want to convince yourself that you had to suffer like that for a reason. But sometimes there is no reason or the reason has nothing to do with us. Some people are cruel for the _sake_ of it, not because their victim did something to deserve it. I know it's very hard to understand" he explained quietly. On that moment I honestly didn't know if I was guilty or not, if I was a victim or not, I just knew that Aesacus still loved me. Later I realized that he probably still saw me as the child I had been but, no matter what, it was comforting to be loved like that. I never visited Aesacus in the temple anymore, I didn't want to break that sensation of closeness, of affection.

Before getting back to the temple, I let him hug me, something no one had ever done in fifteen years. He held me gently and waited until I completely relaxed in his arms, then he let me go.

I went back to the temple, too afraid to look into my heart.


End file.
